Thanking Fear for the Gift of Courage

Fear is one of those Shadow Emotions that I like to ignore. The truth is that Fear keeps me from living a truly authentic and full life. I think I have always been a very cautious person, but recently I have noticed how often Fear keeps me from speaking up, from stepping out of my comfort zone, from showing the world my greatness.

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions. When I think of fear, I often think of those really scary movies, the ones where you know something is going to jump out and startle you, so you sit in anticipation of that thing happening. In our lives, Fear can act in the same way. We step out, ready to speak out against an injustice, or to tell someone how we feel about them, or to show the world (or our close friends) something we have done that we are proud of…and we stop. We hesitate. We step back and clam up. Why? Fear. Like watching that scary movie, we anticipate that something bad will happen. We will be told we are too much. Our feelings won’t be reciprocated. Our great work will be scrutinized and criticized.

While we may push through fear, and ignore its message, I wonder if we need to take a moment to acknowledge Fear and its helpful role in our lives.

Fear is one of those emotions that probably has developed in our lives over time. It certainly serves a purpose – keeping us alive. Fear is that voice that tells us not to run out into traffic, to listen to our parents when we are young, to be wary of strangers and to follow the rules that are meant to keep us safe. Fear keeps us from doing things that could harm us. In my life, Fear has been the voice telling me not to speak up. It is the force that often leads me to keep my thoughts to myself, to avoid difficult conversations or to walk away instead of facing conflict.

But why?

My greatest fear is hurting someone else. In my life, I watched people I love being hurt by other people I love. I experienced pain at the hands of people who claimed to love me. I saw the consequences of anger not appropriately expressed, turn to rage and violence. And so, to avoid even the possibility of harming someone else with my anger, I learned to avoid conflict. Fear kept me from speaking my truth. In its own way, Fear was protecting me from becoming what I never wanted to become.

But fear also holds us back. Not speaking up when I needed to only hurt me, my relationships and those who needed me to speak up and step up on their behalf.

See, Fear was both my Protector and the greatest hinderance to my personal growth. But overcoming the effects of fear does not mean abandoning it completely. As a child, Fear gave me a warning, a feeling that something wasn’t right. It kept me from trusting the wrong people. Fear kept me from wandering too far away. It helped me navigate the safest path.

But as a teen, I stopped trusting that fear. Instead, I ignored it. Like many teens, I took risks, thought I knew who to trust and who not to trust. I believed the wrong people sometimes and I paid the price for it. Fear was that voice I actively ignored.

But once I became an adult, and especially when I became a parent, Fear served, once again, as a warning signal. I think any parent fears for the safety of their children. We become the embodiment of that fearful voice for our kids, and we need to learn when and how to release that so they can learn to navigate the world on their own and trust their own intuition.

For me, now, with two teens, my greatest fears are usually triggered by thoughts of not being able to be there for, to provide for or to disappoint my kids. The adults in my life can learn to deal with their own disappointments in me. That was a lesson long-learned. But my kids…I hate the thought of them being disappointed in me. Perhaps that is misguided, and my fear is actually about my own imperfections and human-ness.

So fear can be a great ally, keeping us safe, protecting us from rejections, ridicule and disappointment as well as from physical and emotional harm. But what about when fear keeps us from stepping out of our comfort zones and embracing new opportunities?

For many years, I was terrified to ride the train. As a kid, I loved taking the train with my mom to visit family. As a young adult, I would ride the train to visit friends in Toronto or Kingston. And then, while in my early 30s, I was riding the train to a conference in Toronto when it hit a person riding a bike. I won’t get into all the details, but know it was horrific. To this day, I can see, hear and feel the moments after that collision.

That moment led to a fear of even being near a train. I would have vivid flashbacks, envision in great detail myself being hit by a train. I would imagine what the people on the train would experience and then, to avoid hurting those imaginary people on the imaginary train that I imagined hitting me, I would avoid being anywhere near a train, train station or even a train crossing. I would not ride on a train for over a decade after that day. Fear held me back. Fear kept me from doing something as simple as getting on a train and going somewhere. It took a lot of patience from my therapist, and incremental exposure but in November of last year, I boarded a train and rode it to Toronto.

Overcoming that fear showed me that I do not have to be held back by Fear…EVER.

So, how do we transform Fear into Empowerment?

We do not have to banish Fear. We can welcome Fear as a messenger, as a guide, as one who reminds us to consider the consequences of our actions. But we also don’t have to be held by Fear’s power. When I face a situation in which Fear is holding me back, rather than being critical of Self, I try to have some compassion. I remember that Fear is a messenger, but that I have skills to navigate through it. I become curious about why it has shown up and use Mindfulness techniques to observe without becoming overwhelmed.

Finally, I can now ask, “What would happen if…?” Like, “What would happen if I did get on that train?” I might have a relaxing and enjoyable trip to Toronto, without dealing with traffic. “What would happen if I stayed and had this uncomfortable conversation instead of walking away?” I might repair a rupture in a relationship or strengthen a bond with someone I care about.

So, let’s celebrate Fear, or at least the courage it takes to listen to it and act, even when Fear is present. Perhaps Fear can become a trusted voice if we can recognize it as both a protector and a catalyst for growth.

Journal Prompt: What is a Fear I am currently facing? How can I take small steps to bravely explore that fear and to take action? How can I show myself compassion and kindness in the face of fear?