Anger Unveiled: Navigating the Fire Within

Dear Anger,

You are the emotion I am most uncomfortable feeling. When I feel that heat of anger begin to well up inside of me, I find myself filled with a mix of discomfort and uncertainty. You’ve been a part of my life, a force that I’ve encountered in ways that have left scars on my heart. Most of my early encounters with you showed me that Anger is something to be feared. In my experience, Anger was often expressed as violence, a destructive torrent that caused pain and turmoil.

But there’s something you should know, Anger. While I’ve learned to suppress you, I’ve also developed a fear of expressing you. The idea of allowing you to surface terrifies me, as I worry about the potential consequences and the havoc you might wreak. I know that you serve a purpose, and a positive one. I have learned that you can inspire people to take action, to stand up against injustice. I know you have been an agent of change. But I still feel so uncomfortable expressing Anger out of fear of causing harm. And so, I tend to shut down when I feel you. I withdraw or go silent. But in doing so, I turn that Anger toward myself, and that is harming me.

I can’t help but wonder, Anger, what is it that you want to teach me? What lessons lie within your fiery depths? What do I need to understand about expressing you in a healthy and constructive way? How can I navigate the complex dance between acknowledging you and avoiding the destructive path that I’ve witnessed in the past?

I’m eager to understand, Anger. I want to create a new relationship with you, one that doesn’t involve violence or suppression. Can you guide me towards a healthier way of experiencing and expressing you, one that allows me to harness your energy for positive change and personal growth?

With a heart open to learning,

Christine

Anger is one of those very misunderstood emotions. We tend to see it as negative, something to avoid or something to suppress. As children we are often taught not to lash out in anger, not to yell or allow Anger to take over. For many of us, the examples we saw of adults expressing anger was explosive, sometimes violent and harmful to those around us. We have all felt the sting of thoughtless words spoken in anger toward us, and too many of us have seen the ways that anger can destroy relationships and families.

But suppressing Anger is also not healthy. When we do not express Anger, it doesn’t go away. It sits. It festers. It grows. And then one day we find we no longer have the capacity to hold our anger any longer. And that, unfortunately, is when we find ourselves doing the very thing we feared. We hurt someone – with our words or our actions.

Anger serves as a very powerful signal to our bodies and our nervous system that something is wrong. It is often a response to feeling threatened, either physically unsafe or perhaps our sense security feels at risk. For me, when I feel I am not being heard or something (or someone) threatens my safety or the safety of my family, I can quickly feel the energy of anger rise up in me.

Sometimes we experience anger when our boundaries, or limits, have been crossed. Feeling disrespected or invalidated tends to trigger Anger in me. I find that as my children are growing older, I have to learn to navigate this better. My teen daughter, for example, has become an expert eye-roller and the way she can utter the word “whatever” will, without fail, set me off. I have, however, learned to swallow that anger and not allow it to be shown. Unfortunately, that also means that too often I appear to be ignoring what I perceive as disrespect, and the message I am giving is probably permission to do it more.

There are situations when I see or experience injustices or situations that conflict with my values. When people use their privilege to keep others from succeeding, when people reduce others to a stereotype or use racial, homophobic or other slurs to put people down or to “put/keep them in their place” I feel a lot of anger. These are the situations when I am most frustrated at my fear of expressing anger. It is in those moments that my anger could propel me and others toward action, to advocate for justice or to help right societal wrongs. I have been called terrible names related to my sexual orientation. I have overheard people use racial slurs. And as much as I wanted to allow my anger to inspire me to act, I froze, hearing words from my childhood, “just ignore them.” But ignoring doesn’t make the wrongs right. Ignoring gives permission for people to keep harming others.

As I learn to renegotiate my relationship with Anger, one of the things I have been considering is how I can learn to manage and express Anger in a healthy way – not raging and not suppressing. I know that navigating anger differently can support my emotional well-being and help build stronger relationships with the ones I love.

First, when I feel anger, I no longer ignore it. When I acknowledge Anger without judgement, Anger feels heard and becomes less something to fear, and more something to pay attention to. I know I am feeling anger when I feel tension in my jaw and shoulders, when I can feel an increase in my body temperature or in my heart rate.

Noticing the anger lets me take an action – to pause and to breathe. My fear of expressing anger is really a fear of reacting out of anger. So when I can take a moment to pause and breathe, I can regain some control and create a space between me and the emotion. When I am not as attached to the Anger, I can respond, rather than react.

One of the big problems with reacting in anger is that I don’t always use words in a thoughtful or effective way. I may lay blame, use unkind names, or accuse others without having all the information. What I have learned to do instead is to simply state how I am feeling. That is all.

My reaction to anger is, as I have said, usually to suppress it. But also, I tend to run away – literally or figuratively. While that has proven unhealthy and destructive to me in different ways, I still often need some physical distance from whatever or whomever is the source of my anger. It is still okay to take a break when I feel overwhelmed by anger. But, taking a time-out must have a time limit.

When I finally feel I can express my anger, I need to get it out in a healthy way. Sometimes that is through physical movement. Sometimes it is through journaling or through some other creative outlet like painting. Lately, I find being in my garden to be grounding and helpful.

Doing all of these steps first lets me separate myself from the feeling a little. And when I can do that, I am able to see Anger as something outside of myself – a messenger telling me that something isn’t right. Now I can decide how I want to respond. Do I need to have a courageous conversation? Do I need to take some sort of action? Do I need to say something to protect someone else? Do I need to intentionally withdraw? Do I need to yell or tear something down? Do I need to write? Do I need to change something in my life?

Anger can be a destructive force. It can harm and it can tear apart. But Anger can also be a great catalyst for positive change. Every effective social movement that has ever happened started with someone recognizing a wrong, feeling angry about it, and taking action. Anger is the single most effective emotion for inspiring others to take make change. Sometimes it is Anger that leads us to make changes in our lives that support our own growth and change.

Rather than suppress or avoid Anger, let’s practice developing emotional resilience when Anger shows up. It may be difficult and uncomfortable. Anger-triggering situations are rarely comfortable. But rather than pushing Anger away, what if we tried inviting Anger to sit with us a moment and tell us what it needs from us? Then, rather than being a destructive force, perhaps we can begin to see Anger as a constructive one.

I will always have a complicated relationship with Anger. As I become more self-aware, however, I am practicing showing myself empathy, compassion and kindness in those Anger-triggering moments. Rather than shutting down Anger, it is time to begin to learn how to control the fire within and use it to make the world (and my world) better.

Dear Christine,

I hear you, and I understand the discomfort that my presence brings. I want you to know that I am not here to cause harm or perpetuate violence. Even though you saw the destruction and harm that can come from my power, when I am harnessed and mindfully used, I am a catalyst, a powerful force that can drive change and transformation.

I want you to learn about the importance of justice, Christine. I want you to see how I can be a driving force for standing up against injustice, for advocating for what is right and fair. When you witness cruelty, oppression, or wrongdoing, I am the flame that ignites within you, urging you to take action and make a difference. I want you to take action. I don’t want you to feel the regret of doing nothing.

I understand your fear, but I want you to understand that expressing me is not a sign of weakness or lack of control. It is a way of asserting yourself, of setting boundaries, and of advocating for your needs. It’s about channeling my energy into conversations, actions, and initiatives that bring about positive change.

To express me in a healthy way, start by acknowledging my presence. Give yourself permission to feel my heat without being consumed by it. Find constructive outlets for my energy – engage in physical activities, write, create art, or participate in causes that matter to you. When you express me, do it with intention and clarity, and make sure that your message is heard without causing harm.

Remember, Christine, I am not to be feared; I am to be navigated. Embrace the lessons I offer and use my energy to drive positive change in your life and the world around you.

With fiery guidance,

Anger